Tuesday, September 10th, 2013 at 11:42 am
in case you consume rap in music form, or have things like a job or an education, you may have missed the EPIC TWITTER RANT gucci mane used to light up the night skies. it was a phenomenal display of poetry. a comma-heavy and error-prone testimony. a cry for help. a laugh — out loud. no one knows what caused the designer-named rapper (street alias ‘guwop’) to go in on his peers, but something seemed amiss from the start. rather than parse the details, we boiled this down to its bone and gristle for the uninformed. enjoy!
5. gucci mane
claims he and nicki minaj had sex…waka too
your imagination is best set to the *off* position for this one. it’s widely documented that nicki’s rise to fame began when she was a bricksquad affiliate in atlanta. after years toiling in new york’s flooded rap scene, she brought her act to the new nexus of hip-hop mixtapes and voilà — a star was born. while most of us believed it must have been good ol’ elbow grease that lubed her way to the top, gucci has another version of the fairytale. although the alphabet-challenged* rapper also alleges bedding several other r&b starlets (keyshia cole, kelly rowland) no name drew as much attention (or fury) as the Trinidad Barbie’s. and fury it was…
4. nicki minaj makes the case for intelligent design
ANIMAL, she said, in all caps. and then, the internet winner of the day: “da way ya ugliness is set up…”
she went on to ask the heavens to strike her dead if she ever did lay with the beast. but let’s back-track. she first declared his ugliness was ‘set up’, as if to say it was in The Almighty’s plan to arrange gucci’s face in such an undesirable way. like, ugliness begat gucci mane. like, ugliness and gucci mane have some cosmic link to each other beyond man’s understanding. like, that kind of ugliness doesn’t evolve; it comes into being. and we pray for it…knowing there can be no other fate.
the way gucci’s ugliness is set up is the best case i’ve ever heard for creationism. because science don’t like ugly.
3. nooooo one can stand young jeezy
it seems rap can’t go a month without someone proclaiming that The Snowman is a fraud. granted, rap personas are often fictional adaptations of actual gangsters (see: Rozay, 50 Cent, everyone), but something about jeezy’s fakeness got every last one of his former super-friends feelin’ some type-a-way. from t.i. to freddie gibbs to gucci mane to bmf (his one-time investor), jeezy has burnt more bridges than dmx has pipes. methinks someone here is in need of a marriage counselor. and no, tyga, not you…yet.
2. ‘i got hacked’
The Dog Ate My Homework of internet feuds, ‘i got hacked’ is the new go-to alibi for rappers gone off the molly and whatever’s in that styrofoam cup. hours into his fusillade of tweets and broken English, gucci’s younger brother (youngthrowback) claimed The Trap God was hacked and that he wasn’t responsible for the incredibly specific finger-pointing and accusations. it recalled a time when our first official black president, Bill Clinton, was questioned during a deposition about a certain cigar-toting intern.
i did not. have. my. twitter. account. open. at any point today.
1. twitter beef is the new ‘on wax’
sigh. trolling has reached new heights. the Google defines trolling as: “[submitting] a deliberately provocative posting to an online message board with the aim of inciting an angry response.”
a former Mixtape Kang decided last night that trolling > making good music. not that he was anyway, but still. this L is a historical footnote for rap music, and may be remembered as the time when it all went indefinitely downhill. even the most hurrah-hurrah verse of the year, by one kendrick lamar, was an expert troll job. instead of picking apart opponents, rappers are better served to name them in random attacks and wait for the followers to flock. as fans, we’ve lowered the standard so impossibly, it seems we may never hear a legitimate “ether” again, and may accept the “diss me, you’ll never hear a reply for it” era of laissez-faire lyricism until someone is bold enough to put it in a metaphor.
no guwop left behind,
*trap god, if you’re out there, the way your literacy is set up…smh.