Thursday, April 14th, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Waka Flocka. The man, the myth, the legend. He is a man of few words, but a man of great impact. Never has there been a person with a more innate ability to shake their dreads while spewing ideologies that can only properly be labeled as modern day philosophy. I was inspired to do a fictional account of what I can only assume the daily life of Waka Flocka must consist of.
11:30 AM: Wakes up. Thanks baby Jesus for another day on earth, and more importantly for all the rap money he gets.
11:31 AM: Smokes medical (preferably that Kung Fu Purp)
11:35 AM: Violently shakes dreads repeating the words “Bow! Bow! Bow!”.
11:40 AM: Studies satirical viral videos in search of inspiration for lyrics that could potentially be labeled as ‘that new hotness’. Although frustrated with strangers abilities to do him better than himself, rationalizes that they are haters.
12:30 PM: Has Bricksquad conference call with Gucci Mane and OJ Da Juiceman. Conversation exclusively consists of the words “Burr”, “Eh!”, “OK!”, “Bow!” and “Gucci”. However, Gucci can only be used as an adjective.
1:00 PM: Hits the streets to talk to the youth. There are two main issues on the Waka Flocka agenda. Part one consists of spreading awareness of the Soo Woo gang. Encourages young people to enlist into gang culture. Promises young and impressionable kids that if they follow in Waka’s footsteps that they will attain fame, money, bottle service, women (hoes), and copious amount of “medical”. Part two of the agenda is to make young people aware of the cruelty to animals in the fashion business. Gets naked to prove his point. Demonstrates that he is a “mathmatic person” by explaining to kids the following formulas. Selling crack + gangs = Good. Hitting + puppies = Bad. Kids compliment Waka’s sweet new Pink Panther chain. He feels as if his points have been validated.
3:03 PM: Makes weak sauce dreams come true.
4:10 PM: Smokes more medical. Goes through show money looking for counterfit while being critical of promoters. Forced to smoke even more medical to deal with stress.
5:07 PM: Runs errands which consists of getting money from the bank, popping tags with said money, and picking up blunts for the evenings activities. (smokes medical throughout transitional car rides).
7:48 pm: Contacts local emotionally damaged girls for video shoot later in the evening. Tells the girls to be prepared to get “wet’. Girls get confused and excited.
8:00 pm: Smokes medical. Takes nap.
10:00 PM: Hits local watering hole The Gate to meet up with the girls. Pours champagne on them, they eat each others boxes, and Waka smokes blunts. All while the activities are filmed in order to properly demonstrate that Waka’s life is indeed ‘a movie’.
11:30 PM: Still doing the above.
1:30 AM: Intrigued by a particular young lady with “fancy” tattooed on her lower back. Notices that she is “shaking a$$ and getting money“. Two of Waka’s favorite things. Waka invites her to his hotel room for some coconut Cirocs. She obliges.
2:00 AM: Smokes medical with the young lady he met at club. Hits it from the back. Leaves something that isn’t fancy on her back. Falls alseep.