The Most Absurd Rap Beverage Endorsements

 |  September 23, 2010
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On the brink of Dr. Dre announcing his new line of Cognac, I have taken the liberty of compiling the most absurd rap celebrity beverage endorsements.  Now I’m not saying that Aftermath Cognac will be terrible, but based on the fact that it’s endorsed by the man best known for releasing an album called The Chronic and subsequently delaying his third album for ten years and counting, I can only assume that the drink will taste like Snoop Dogg’s ashtray on the morning of April 21st.  The 80 proof sparkling vodka that’s set to follow the cognac’s release sounds sort of interesting though…

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5. LIL JON – CRUNK JUICE

It’s probably unfair to include this on this list considering it’s my favorite thing Lil Jon’s ever created.  Chances are you’ve heard of Crunk Juice even if you’ve never tasted it.  It’s kind of hard to find on the East Coast, so when I spotted it outside of New Orleans I made sure to cop it.  The fact that it doesn’t taste like piss isn’t a bad look.  It also doesn’t hurt to have had the number 3 album in the country named after your drink….clever marketing.  Word on the street is The Ying Yang Twins now endorse Crunk Juice from the 7-Eleven they work at.

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4. SNOOP DOGG – LANDY COGNAC/ST. IDES

Believe it or not, the walking endorsement himself, Snoop Dogg, signed on this summer as the spokesman for Landy Cognac.  Landy’s supposed to be a top-shelf cognac and has received 96 points from The Beverage Testing Institute for its XO brand.  This is actually not the first time Snoop’s had an alcohol endorsement.  You may remember some of the various St. Ides malt liquor ads from the ’90s.  Snoops endorsed everything from GPS systems to hot dogs, so I can’t knock the hustle.  For real though, who wants to eat one of Snoop’s doggs?  Rumor has it that they are nothing but processed pork byproducts and blunt guts.    I personally always figured Snoop would end up endorsing some type of gin and/or juice….possibly blunt wraps, too.

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3. DAME DASH – ARMADALE VODKA

There’s so much that can be said about Damon Dash, so I won’t bother.  Back when Dash and Jay-Z threw up the Roc like every minute, they thought it would be a good idea to buy a vodka company from a Scottish distiller, you know because Scotland’s known for its great vodka.  Regardless, Armadale Vodka was said to be pretty good, but it never became the popular drink Dash hoped for.  Still, it wasn’t the worst investment Dame’s ever made.  Armadale’s hard to find in stores these days although you can still find it online, meaning it’s most likely out of production.  Apparently when asked about his venture into the liquor business, Dame replied, “as long as we’re sipping on the Armadale, it’s all good.”  I’m guessing he and Jay-Z stopped drinking it back in 2004 then…

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2. NELLY – PIMP JUICE

You know that saying, ‘life imitates art?’  Well in 2003, Nelly took those words to heart when he unveiled his energy drink, Pimp Juice.  Named after a single which is oddly about a car, the St. Louis rapper decided it would be best to share his ‘vehicle’ with the world.  Alright, even though that song is about a car, I’m suspect of Nelly singing, “she only wants me for my pimp juice…I need to let it loose”  Those lyrics make it sound like Nelly’s trying to make the world drink his splooge…I’ll pass on that!

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1. DIPSET – SIZZURP

Back in 2004 every rapper and their mama was sippin’ on the over-the-counter version of Sizzurp.  Who could blame them?  Cam’ron, Jim Jones, and the other brilliant minds at Dipset released their very own alcoholic beverage and sent out half their stock to every popular rapper of the time.  As if that’s not the best P.R. you’ve ever heard, they even had Kanye West do a remix of “Through The Wire” all about how good the drink tastes and its various effects such as making a woman “forget  she was just on her tampon.”  Unfortunately, The Diplomat members didn’t follow Tony Montana’s golden rule and they became one of the only consumers of their product.  Don’t worry, you can still find the purple concoction online.  In the words of Busta Rhymes from the epic promo video, “if you don’t like it, eat your mother’s ass!

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  • Mikestylezz_The_Blog_Wonder

    how could u forget Ciroc…???

  • WhoDat

    What's so absurd about Ciroc? I'm pretty sure these 5 beat out another typical upscale vodka.

  • Mikestylezz_the_blog_wonder

    Armadale is a way better vodka than Ciroc, Armadale is a 2 grain vodka and can actually be drank straight up. Ciroc is a very poor vodka for drinking straight and in the vodka world that's not a good thing. I used with the Dame Dash Music Group and had a few bottles of Armadale myself and believe me if that is on the list the cash grab called Ciroc should be on the list.

  • Mikestylezz__the_blog_wonder

    used to work*