Trips & Dubs: The Weekly NBA Update

 |  November 7, 2013
18,136
3
kobe-to-nick-young

ball so hard GMs wanna fine me. they are unable to locate me, however. this summary of the week in NBA games and players is brought to you by Allen Iverson, who was at the altar when hip hop married pro sports. carefully untie your du-rag and salute those braids as a real thug should!


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
It is taking every cent of my $30M to not put hands on you.
 
don’t let kobe scare you. the teacher said he can’t come play at recess no more because he failed the sharing part. the 2013-14 season is about the New Class ’cause the old faces from those ’96 and ’03 draft packs that ruled the league are phasing out. walter ray lit up the night with a game 6 three-pointer for the ages. paul pierce and kg carpetbagged it up to new york city like some recent-grad gentrifiers, looking for a dollar and a promise to bet it on.
 
it’s time for rose, durant, george, harden, paul, howard, love, irving and curry to decide where these next gold trophies will be housed. whether or not they’re ready we’ll explore in the next segment…
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Watch The Throne

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
who can unseat The Heatles when their death march to june after june seems predestined at this point? the king is in the building, using his velvet rope to drag his aging team to dynastic heights. but with Disney’s Dwyane Wade On Ice® and Like A Bosh transforming to trade chip before our eyes, it’s anyone’s race. some notes on the contenders:

  1. Houston Rockets 
    the less dwight has to do, the better. he’s surrounded by play-making guards (including the current best two-guard in the league. rest in power, mamba.) he has one or two post moves that will do, which is two more than he had for a decade. he gives a young team room to shoot and drive. their pace will be hard to match in the west.
  2.  

     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

  3. Indiana Pacers 
    the boy paul george is going to have a monster year. let me say that again for all the people in the back row: the homey paul george is going to have a MONSTER year. he’s on some ‘i’m the big homey they still tryna lil bro me dawg’. and unlike durant, no one sees him approaching that title, but he’s there. lurking.
  4.  

     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

  5. Los Angeles Clippers 
    cp3 has no excuse for the first-round exits and doesn’t want one. blake has no excuse for his under-nourished jumpshot, and isn’t looking for one. j.j. redick is better as a defender than anyone thinks and can guard a hobbled wade, as well as guys like westbrook and leonard in the half-court. darren collison returned to back up chris paul, the way his mama said he oughta.
  6.  

     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

 

We Don’t Believe You, You Need More People

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

  1. New York Knicks 
    watching that knicks-twolves game last week (an L for my Bockers) i thought: ‘knicks are a hair worse than i thought; twolves are a hair better.’ now i’m like, ‘who am i kidding? hair worse…the knicks are the bald dude with the flat top.’
  2. Detroit Pistons 
    paging all shooters: report to auburn palace immediately. paging all shooters nationwide. this team will struggle to find the hoop from anywhere beyond 12 feet, but has enough names to make The Playoffs an alluring oasis. the detroit deep freeze: all percentages below 30 in here. that’s the josh smith brandon jennings guarantee.

 

Too Many Urkels On Ya Team

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

  1. Cleveland Cavaliers 
    for anyone crying about kyrie’s assist totals re: his credentials as a point god, uncle drew will average double digit assists when he gets a consistent double-digit threat on his team. tristan thompson and anderson varejao are decent players, true, but add that to dion waiters, anthony bennett, and alonzo gee? that’s too many urkels on ya team, forget it.
     
    the cavs are starting the NBA All Conditioning team with bennett, waiters and miles all sporting some extra padding at season’s start. the top pick, young Larry Johnson himself, has scored 5 points in his first 5 games. (on 1/20 FG) sources tell us that he’ll either round into shape by mid-season or shape into round forever. sources also tell us that he is looking into getting a triple-double at the local drive thru.
     
    but look, anyone who could tell me with a straight face that at 20 years old they would’ve been in shape to start their million-dollar athletic career, bravo to you. me? i woulda been doing the happy dance in every gentleman’s cluuuh on both coasts, and shampooing with champagne nightly. if the top pick in the NBA lottery decides his genetics have gotten him as far as he’s going to go, and so will celebrate like a blessed man would, so be it. the soviet unified steady flow, you already know.
  2.  

     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

  3. Philadelphia 76ers 
    MCW new nickname: Sunglasses N’ Advil. he stormed into the league without a care to give to the wind. fast, sure handle in the open court, looks to pass early, fearless creator. all skills that show why he was a high level prospect. if hola oladipo weren’t in the race, carter-williams might merit a hands-down ROY prediction. teams will scout his lack of shooting and pack the paint, and he’ll feel what it’s like to be an NBA player in his rib and shoulder areas.
  • Momba

    At 20? I wouldn’t even take myself seriously.

  • Roar

    No matter what, I’m still rooting for the Knicks.

  • wakeup

    Nice. Is this update gonna be a weekly thing?