i can't front like i ain't say 'white ghostface
' dismissively when i first heard action bronson
. first off, that's a great
idea, ghostfaces of all colors and weight classes. second, the only way the King Of Opulence
could be rendered more intriguing is to tell that tale from the perspective of someone really familiar with fine living: a white dude.
is probably less white-collar-tennis-club and more turnpikes-gold-bracelets, half a glass of Cabernet on the path train. what makes him an essential listen, though, is his descriptive lifestyle vignettes. the food smells, the sounds screech and the streets howl in his verses. now that he is rich and famous, bronson
can succeed where, for years, eminem
has failed. he can be the poster boy for white guys who made it and love it
all 'trailer park meth is the best meth' and 'i'm sorry mama, no i'm not sorry, okay i'm sorry.' i know that rap has a blues, but damn dude that sh*t is sad. for real.
i wanna hear about the baby spinach penne with smoked butter sauce, copping the Queensbridge edition Js, and drug dealing gone RIGHT. action bronson
hits all those marks without any of the pesky regret along the way. patrick bateman
personified and packaged in paul rosenberg's
slick power. he hangs out with actors and chefs; he aims a hammer at your dame's bladder; he uses three different type of forks; he beez
everywhere. that's access. plus, no one asks him why he's there, so there's no jay z
level guilt trip when he gets inside the doors of wealth. no illuminati controversy. just action
i need to hear that 'wrist slap at the traffic stop' rap. i wanna hear that 'don't forget to tip the landscapers' rap. with Blue Chips 2
, as he deploys his 80s and 90s pop culture references and celebrates his trippy gustatory delights, bronson
finds a lane for white male privilege to shine in an entirely new, goofy way.
as if the movie Goodfellas
had its own mixtape, the following translated lyrics invite us to a world of leverage by force and reckless humor. use the annotations to roam the path carefully.
My words pronounced just like a camel toe
the worst part of wearing a spandex bodysuit, as mimi
will attest to, is the unbiased way it hugs every curve. a camel-toe is the pronounced genital bulge that results from a cozy garment choice.
words are like this.
I order rabbit like a playmate; Flushing Meadow Park sh*t/barbecues with the Mexicans...
at Flushing Meadow Park, in queens, new york, there are barbecue areas where families can set up and grill alongside others. that area of queens, as diverse as any, is also home to a large Central American immigrant community, and, yes, some Mexican folks.
might also be found there, smoking a rack of lamb.
The Don's Cheek
360 on the Sea-Doo in the tux/Called my homey told him meet me down at Lido Beach for lunch; Beige leather to the calf, where my math at?; We moving white like David Spade in the sauna
get a jet-ski, bruh. do 360s til you are dizzy. not that hard.
It Concerns Me
Knock on my door with balloons and a big check; shoot the back of your knees/Gary Sinise
is the actor who played the war-vet amputee Lieutenant Dan
in the classic movie Forrest Gump
. action bronson
will not let you forget that historic, heartfelt performance so, every time he shoots the back of your knees? gary sinise.
And smoke budder the color of Jalen Rose; My shorty keep it real/take a sh*t out the car window/hide money in the Nintendo; get locked up in the afternoon/and be out by Night Court; I look like David Justice when I'm floating in the Maxima
was one of the coolest baseball players of his day, and he was married to peak halle berry
. like, halle berry
when halle berry
was the synonym for fine among Def Jam comedians.
was a possessive, abusive husband and the two divorced after allegations that his violence had become overwhelming. not as cool, david justice
since then, he has remarried. halle
has too. but if action bronson
were any of your favorite 90s baseball players in any of your favorite 90s four-door sports car, he would be david justice
in the maxima.
Jackson & Travolta
Get the bed pan, I'm shittin' on myself/and you're the one who gotta clean it, while I lay there
is making a big, big mess. just don't expect him to clean it up.
that's your job.
Through The Eyes Of A G
Hand up her ass like a muppet baby...I move the mustard from Russia to Haiti; Aim a hammer at ya dame's bladder, like it ain't matter; Multi-colored money/7 different kinds of cheeses; Don't make me have to slap the fire out ya pop's mouth
multi-colored money implies international travel, stops at customs, and currency exchange. 'cheese' is the Rappin-ese word for money, so bam bam
is suggesting here that he has both
several money types and assorted fromage.
in other words, ketchup.
Just a white man excelling in a black sport/like I'm Pistol Pete; Cabin fortress got the Tex-Mex motif; Two stallions pull the buggy, Clydesdale; Randy Quaid with the turtleneck
a white man excelling in a black sport is right. but, pistol pete
is from louisiana and has that southern flair and moonshine charm. yelawolf
or bubba sparxxx
may also have stronger claims to the pistol pete
metaphor. action bronson
is probably closer to chris mullin, but that's not the easiest name to rhyme about: 'I'm like chris mullin/and sh*t's sullen' ...scribble-scribble-crumple.
The joint thicker than Pinky's butt/just as stinky
is an american adult film performer who often appears in titles and scenes that accentuate her rotund backside. that orotundity is not unlike the thick marijuana cigarettes that bronson
Man & The Mirror
Caddy got the brown hard top just like a crème brûlée; Forest green, Forest Park, Horace Grant, it's me
it's not a proper crème brûlée if the firm brown top is missing. that caramelization, in its solidness, reminds one of a Cadillac roof.
Tamarind punch, higher than a javelin jump; chocolate sauce over thin rabbit; I never thought that this could be my life, Russian mistress and Parisian wife; Me and Robert Horry in a foreign whip
is another sports figure of era-level fame. he won seven NBA championships, two with the houston rockets
, three with the los angeles lakers
and two with the san antonio spurs
of players who have won multiple NBA championships, he is not the strongest talent or even the most storied among them. but, he was around at the right time to win and made big plays for the eventual champs.
and robert horry
hanging out is a perfect match. they both appreciate playing their roles well, but not going too far outside of it. unless, of course, it's in the foreign whip.
then all bets are off for those two.
In the porsche and the seats are made of Mastodon; A young Zinedine Zidane at Flushing Meadow Park drinking Hennessy with mom
to be clear, he's a young zinedine zidane
, who may not be yet tainted by the ills of the world, and therefore, less prone to head-butting his enemies.
Sit A.C. Slater style on ya girl's shoulder
most guys would be super-annoyed by any guy doing anything a.c. slater
style around his girlfriend. this is mainly because the Saved By The Bell
character, with his dimples and zippy one-liners, always seemed poised to steal kelly
at a moment's notice. he knew it would get on Preppy's
nerves, and that all the real work had been done already.
to summarize, around Your Girl, action bronson
can't be trusted.
First course was from the Finger Lakes/last course was cinnamon ginger cake; Smoke the budder the same color as The Weeknd
is slightly lighter than a duane martin
, and maybe a hue or two darker than a michael ealy
. he's light-skin, but it's kinda 'smokey.'
consumes pure wax THC that is a similar dual tone.
She took a bump and started dancing like Elaine Benes; Bought my b*tch a present hope I don't spoil it (what is it, baby?)/face-to-face toilets; I play ball like Billy Hoyle, now I need a Sidney Dean to play this bravo in the Phillipines
, the female member of seinfeld's
foursome, was incredibly funny while also being impossibly awkward. when she revealed her moves at an office dance party, it made television history.
the effects of cocaine are dangerous. one potential influence it has on the psyche is inducing paranoia while increasing blood flow from heart to brain. it makes even the calmest fiend...want to dance and shout. bronson
can coach you through this, but would prefer not to. lest you start elaine dancing
in his presence.
Left hand the steering/in the Amadu Diablo; So much drugs, what would a nun say?/And it's Sunday; F*ck, I nutted in like 3 strokes/sh*t, now that's no way to rep the East Coast
before trayvon martin
, and before oscar grant
, and before lots of innocent black men were killed by police in the 2000s, innocent black men were killed by police in the 90s. amadou diallo
was gunned down in an incident of fatal profiling. the 24-year-old vendor diallo
was falsely identified by four plain-clothed NYPD officers as a suspected serial rapist. when they approached diallo
armed, he ran into the vestibule area of a nearby building in fear.
the officers then opened fire, unloading 41 shots, 19 of them hitting diallo
. the police were not convicted of any crime.
it is hard to say what this event has to do with action bronson's
driving abilities, but he did mention it.
In The City
Bronsolino, smoother than some shea butter
he uses shea butter, a natural oil and balm, for his baby hairs.